Countdown to Bermuda: Getting Ready for 12 Miles and a Name Change

It's been a wonderful week of training for Bermuda Marathon Weekend. Last Saturday we deposited 11.5 miles in the Bank of Bermuda on a beautiful Autumn day here in New England as I wrote about in How Lucky Could We Get?

On Sunday we had a wonderful time at Boston Sports Club in Newton recovering from the run while continuing to build strength in the pool and on land.

Monday Team McManus rocked out another strength training session in our home gym.


On Tuesday I decided to try out another location for Boston Sports Clubs to do my cross training. As I walked along the decked out Boylston Street to the Prudential Center I felt the anticipation of Christmas and my birthday and our Bermuda Racecation. The Prudential Center was bustling with holiday cheer. I had a workout trying to find the Club within the Pru but my persistence paid off. It's a beautiful spacious Club with large windows overlooking Copley Square. I was energized by the person on the bike next to me training for a Tri, people pounding out the miles on the treadmill and those intensely focused in the weight room and on the stairmaster. I ended up doing 5.6 on the bike and .88 on the Arc Trainer for a total of 7.37 miles! (You double the distance for the Arc Trainer to get an equivalent number of miles). I did not push myself during the workout yet did a mile more than I'd done on any other cross training day during this training season.



Yesterday Team McManus had an Awe-Some early morning run!

As I began to write this blog post I realize that I've been focusing on the fact that this is the third year in a row I'm training for and running the Bermuda Half Marathon. I've been calling it Bermuda Half Marathon III or Bermuda Marathon Weekend III. While it is indeed a miracle and a blessing that I am training for another half marathon and I am forever grateful given where I was 11 years ago after the diagnosis of Post-Polio Syndrome and three years ago after a very serious knee injury, this is, in fact the first Bermuda Half Marathon that Tom, Ruth Anne and I will be running together!

It's a new beginning in our lives on and off the roads.

I've suffered and struggled through my physical, emotional and spiritual challenges in the wake of contracting paralytic polio at the age of 5 and then enduring 9 years of violence at the hands of family members. This year marked the 10th anniversary of when I left my almost 20 year award winning career at the VA to heal my life. Next month marks 3 years since I was told that I should return to the Post-Polio clinic for a re-evaluation and prepare for a total knee replacement in a few years - oh and of course to not run anymore or to limit my distance.

I've worked so hard practicing the meditations and wisdom offered by Dr. Joe Dispenza tapping into the Source of Divine Intelligence within me. I've been blessed to partner with a chiropractor healer since 2015, Dr. Ryan J. Means who now lives and practices in China but we still do long distance healing and to partner with Dr. Lizzie Sobel here in Boston to cue my body to release its natural ability to heal; restore my body to wholeness and well being.

Ruth Anne has been on her journey to heal the effects of trauma she endured in her life and to heal severe depression using medication, meditation, chiropractic care with Dr. Lizzie and wonderful supportive people in her village of helpers.

We began our training journey in May when it was initially a challenge for us to find our rhythm on and off the roads having no idea where all of this would lead. We trusted, we trained hard and we have 3 more long runs before taper time.

We've done an incredible job healing and going the distance together.

The weather prediction for Saturday is not as ideal as last week's weather but we have decided that unless it's raining, we are going to get our 12 miler in outdoors. We are psyching ourselves up keeping our eye on the prize ... Bermuda bling and enjoying the challenge and triumphs of this journey.

It's time to turn the page and begin a new chapter in our lives...bidding farewell to the past, embracing the present and look toward the future!

To going the distance with strength and courage
From my heart to yours,
Mary

Be sure to visit my website by following this link.

My books are available on Amazon.

Feel the Heal: An Anthology of Poems to Heal Your Life


Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing Hope and Possibility that chronicles the first 7 years of my healing journey:


And my latest and greatest book - Going the Distance: The Power of Endurance (With a Foreword by Jacqueline Hansen):

Countdown to Bermuda: An Awe-some Early Morning Run

I wish I would have taken a screenshot of the weather in Brookline for today at 6am. Tom made me double check the city I was looking at since I have different cities for the weather on my phone. "No I am telling you it's 50 degrees!"

Here is the current temperature in Brookline at 3pm on NOVEMBER 29th!!!



After Tom and Ruth Anne braved 20 degrees for yesterday's run, he was understandably incredulous that it was 50 degrees at 6am. We had to open the front door and then try to figure out what we should wear on the run. File that under runner problems for those living in New England and training for a January Half Marathon.

By the time we finished our core work and had water and a banana, it was daybreak. As we ran toward the Route 9 Reservoir, I saw the sun shining through the trees extending its glorious light in every direction. It was a mystical moment for me as my breath caught. What a blessing and a gift to see the dawn of a new day; a gift I never ever take for granted having come so close to death on many occasions at the hands of family members. Feeling the dawn of a new day and a connection to our Loving Creator lit the fire in my soul. It was as if the Divine was speaking to me, inviting me to shine my light.

Recently my meditations have been focused on helping me to move out of the habits that arose from experiencing paralytic polio and violence. Seeing those golden rays of sun between the trees reminded me that the power of God within me and around me is far greater than anything that happened to me.

Feeling the relatively warm morning air, seeing the light of the rising sun dance on the water of the Reservoir and kiss the world awake, Team McManus felt awe-some. We all took in the sensations of the new day with love and appreciation for our surroundings and for being able to run with each other.

Today wrapped up another week of training on the road to Bermuda Half Marathon III.

43 days and counting!

We have been so blessed with the weather and being able to train outdoors for as long as we have. This time last year we were up to 10.5 miles and on Saturday we deposited another 11.5 in the Bank of Bermuda. We also had to go indoors several times as a result of the weather last year.

On Saturday we have 12 miles on tap. The weather is not looking good at the moment but here in New England that can change in a moment.

For now we are basking in the glow of our awe-some and inspiring early morning run letting our light shine:


To going the distance with strength and courage
From my heart to yours,
Mary

Be sure to visit my website by following this link.

My books are available on Amazon.

Feel the Heal: An Anthology of Poems to Heal Your Life


Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing Hope and Possibility that chronicles the first 7 years of my healing journey:


And my latest and greatest book - Going the Distance: The Power of Endurance (With a Foreword by Jacqueline Hansen):

Countdown to Bermuda: Believe

I am deeply grateful to Beth Jordan, a nurse who I was blessed to meet at the Brigham and Women's Hospital in 1982 when I was hospitalized with a bone infection in my shoulder. She was a nurse in every sense of the word. She tended to my wounds mind, body and soul and brought me cassette recordings of Dr. Bernie Siegel.

Through the years Bernie, and the wisdom he shares, has helped me to transcend the wounds of paralytic polio and trauma. However, we often joke that I am a slow learner. After the diagnosis of Post-Polio Syndrome, I reached out to Bernie through his Forum back in the day. He helped me to believe in my body's ability to heal. Bernie also helped me to tune out the doctor's words that instilled fear and doubt in me and to tune into the Divine Intelligence within me.

After a very serious knee injury in December of 2014, I returned to Western Medicine to see what needed to be healed. I had to tune out the voices of the doctor, the physical therapists and the nay sayers that seemed to surround me and believe as I believed so many times before that I have the power within me to heal.



I was blessed to find my way to Dr. Ryan J. Means, a chiropractor healer who shook me out of my fears and doubts with loving hands, heart and soul (and a whole lot of kinesiotape) and leading me to the teachings of Dr. Joe Dispenza:



and even though he moved to China to practice, he taped my left leg in a NY deli when we met in New York City for a whirlwind time together:


It gave me that extra boost of confidence as I finished my training for Bermuda Half Marathon II last year.

Last weekend Team McManus ran 11.5 on the road to Bermuda Half Marathon III. As Ryan and I were messaging back and forth on Facebook I said, "I can't believe I'm training for another Half." "Of course you are," he said to me. "You are an unstoppable rockstar."

Whenever I get those twinges of doubts or fears or begin to experience different sensations in my body especially as we build mileage, one word keeps coming to me, "Believe!"

It's a wonderful time of year to be training for Bermuda again. It's the holiday season - the season of miracles. The perfect time of year to Believe!


A clip from the movie classic Miracle on 34th Street:



I believe!

To going the distance with strength and courage
From my heart to yours,
Mary

Be sure to visit my website by following this link.

My books are available on Amazon.

Feel the Heal: An Anthology of Poems to Heal Your Life


Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing Hope and Possibility that chronicles the first 7 years of my healing journey:


And my latest and greatest book - Going the Distance: The Power of Endurance (With a Foreword by Jacqueline Hansen):

Countdown to Bermuda: Here I Am-Reflections on my Healing Odyssey

From Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility:

Out of our deepest wounds we find our greatest strength, our most beautiful treasures and the knowledge that love is far greater and more powerful than any experience we endure. ~Mary McManus
The buzzing hum from the fluorescent lights echoed the buzzing in my nervous system. I sat waiting for my first appointment at the post polio clinic at the IRCP. My complexion was as white as the paper that covered the exam table. I felt as fragile and vulnerable as that piece of paper that gets ripped off and tossed away after the exam. Every inch of my body hurt. I was exhausted. I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I hadn’t really cared whether or not I woke up in the morning but I had a husband and twins that needed me. Ironically enough I was at the peak of my career as a VA social worker. I couldn’t sleep. I felt depressed. My award-winning career as a social worker at the Department of Veterans Affairs no longer fueled my soul. Somewhere deep inside of me there was a feeling that there had to be a way out of the hell I was living in.

The symptoms began in 1996. I had episodes of feeling fatigue and muscle burning. I was anxious. At times, I noticed that the limp from paralytic polio returned. In 1992, I had reconstructive leg surgery to correct the deformity of my left leg and to avoid a total knee replacement at the young age of 39 years old. Here I was 7 years later feeling as though my body was beginning to deteriorate and my life falling apart.

In 2004, I told my primary care provider that I was afraid there was something wrong with me – really wrong with me. When I described my symptoms to him and suggested I had post polio syndrome, he told me that post polio syndrome didn’t exist. He suggested I was experiencing empty nest syndrome even though my twins hadn’t left the nest yet. He gave me a sample of Paxil and told me I needed to see a psychiatrist. He told me I was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. I had been in and out of therapy for years. I knew as a clinical social worker that I probably did suffer from post traumatic stress disorder but this felt different. There was something profound happening in my body that needed medical treatment. I went home and flushed the Paxil down the toilet.

As I sat in my office in between clients experiencing difficulty swallowing, my heart racing, pain and tingling down my right arm, pain in my neck, extreme fatigue and exhaustion and dragging my body around with me, I wondered whether or not I needed to go to an emergency room. Was I having a stroke or maybe a heart attack … but the symptoms would pass and I knew there was nothing acute happening with me. I would meet with my patients focusing on their needs. I allowed the members of my team to ventilate and provided them with emotional support. On one level I was functioning as a clinical social worker, an exemplary team member and being the most productive social worker in my department.
On the inside, I was withering away dying a slow physical, emotional and spiritual death. I would pray to God that She take me home. I couldn’t bear the pain of this existence any longer. Guilt set in. How could I leave my family, my patients? But I was suffering and wanted a way out. I never thought about suicide. I knew all too well the pain that suicide leaves. My father had killed himself when I was 17 years old.

I finally decided I needed to pray and ask for help. The answer came to me. “Google post polio syndrome.”

Spaulding Rehab Hospital’s Outpatient Clinic in Framingham, just 30 minutes from my house came up in my search. Trembling I picked up the phone in late September of 2006 to take the first step on my journey back into life.

On 5/25/2007, I took a leap of faith leaving my 20 year award winning career as a VA social worker to heal my life without any idea of what that meant. I discovered the power of my pen, my divining rod for healing and as I created a future self without any limitations from the past through writing poetry, I began to heal mind, body and soul.



I'd get stuck at times in my journey, and in December of 2014, suffered a very serious injury in my left knee. I went back to Western Medicine to explore what happened and what I needed to do to heal. The MRI offered a grim picture of a knee with shredded cartilage, bone spurs, degenerative osteoarthritis, degenerative changes from previous surgeries and a most remarkable finding an atrophied gastroc muscle. I briefly returned to the Post Polio Clinic for guidance and found myself drawn into the vortex of limitations. "Well we knew your gastroc muscle had atrophied ever since you had polio," the doctor said to me. "There's nothing you can do about it." He went on to prognosticate that I'd need a total knee replacement in a few years and should not plan to run a distance greater than 5 miles. "And why don't you return to the Post Polio Clinic?" he asked with well meaning intentions. He referred me to a physical therapist who, as it turned out, was the physical therapist from hell. The Universe led me to a chiropractor healer, Dr. Ryan J. Means who introduced me to the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza.

My passion and purpose to heal my life was reignited by Dr. Ryan's heart and hands and the work of Dr. Joe.

I went on to run Bermuda Half Marathons I and II.

My plan was to take a hiatus after this year's Half Marathon but one cannot refuse an invitational entry from the Race Director nor an incredible rate at the Race Weekend's host hotel.

This race is reminiscent of when I ran the Bill Rodgers 5K Run/Walk for Prostate Cancer in August of 2014. I got quiet and still before gun time feeling there was something intensely personal about going for a PR that day.

There is something intensely personal for Team McManus and me as we prepare for the Bermuda Half Marathon 2018.

My two goals for Bermuda are to finish and have fun, and as we joke on our training runs to end up vertical this year.


My additional goal is to celebrate my miracle of healing and the miracle of healing of our daughter who suffered and struggled with severe depression and PTSD during these past 3 years.

Here I am:

Ten plus years after taking a leap of faith and leaving my award winning career as a VA social worker 3 years before I was "eligible" to retire to heal my life from the effects of paralytic polio and trauma.

3 years after a serious knee injury wrapping up training for my 3rd Bermuda Half Marathon in as many years. Here I am having grown a new gastroc muscle and healing my left knee and healing whatever may show up in my body always creating my future self free from any residuals of paralytic polio and trauma.

Here I am - healthy, whole, healed and deeply grateful for this opportunity to run my 3rd Bermuda Half Marathon celebrating life, healing, and possibility.

Here I am. Three more training runs to go before taper time.

Here we are - Team McManus - after 3 years of being on separate paths seeking healing, healing found us. We are reunited having found our way home to be together on the road to Bermuda Marathon Weekend.

To going the distance with strength and courage
From my heart to yours,
Mary

Be sure to visit my website by following this link.

My books are available on Amazon.

Feel the Heal: An Anthology of Poems to Heal Your Life


Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing Hope and Possibility that chronicles the first 7 years of my healing journey:


And my latest and greatest book - Going the Distance: The Power of Endurance (With a Foreword by Jacqueline Hansen):

Countdown to Bermuda: How Lucky Could We Get?

Sunny and temperatures in the 50's on November 25th in New England. A few moments of headwind but overall it was perfect running weather for our 11.5 mile training run yesterday on the road to Bermuda Half Marathon III How lucky could we get?

Before we went on our run, I set my intention for our run. I found this image and quote that captured my heart and soul:



Team McManus often jokes about belonging to the church of the long run ... and it's true.

Going out on a picture perfect day in New England, unplugged with Tom and Ruth Anne by my side is a treat and a retreat.

We had the route well planned out. We parked at the Cleveland Circle Reservoir. When we arrived, Tom was going to park where we parked two weeks ago for our 11 mile run in the freezing temps. I asked him instead to park on the street where we parked on 12/25/15 when we did our last long run, 12.5 miles for Bermuda Half Marathon I.

Yesterday's run was reminiscent of that last training run on Christmas in 2015 with one very big distinction. Ruth Anne was with us yesterday after 3 years of her struggling with and suffering from severe depression and PTSD. How lucky could we get?

We did 2 loops around the Reservoir and then ran to the "small reservoir" aka Route 9 Reservoir near our house to do 3 loops around. We kept marveling at how warm the sun felt and talked about everything from the amazing Thanksgiving we celebrated this year - the first time in years that we were all together:


to mentally preparing for race weekend to music and current events to how we are going to celebrate Christmas and my birthday this year. How lucky could we get?

We returned to the Reservoir to finish our miles.

As we clicked off the miles, the sun shone brightly and stayed unseasonably warm. How lucky could we get?

Our fueling and hydration plan is set and held us in good stead through the 11.5 miles.

Team McManus is race ready with another 3 training runs to go to top off the tank. I've made my to do list of what we need to do to prepare for our racecation and a list for what we need to pack.

We have come so far since those early tentative training runs finding our rhythm and reconnecting with each other on the roads and in life. As we countdown to Bermuda and count the miles we ran in preparation for our Big Race, we counted our blessings.

How lucky can you get?


To going the distance with strength and courage
From my heart to yours,
Mary

Be sure to visit my website by following this link.

My books are available on Amazon.

Feel the Heal: An Anthology of Poems to Heal Your Life


Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing Hope and Possibility that chronicles the first 7 years of my healing journey:


And my latest and greatest book - Going the Distance: The Power of Endurance (With a Foreword by Jacqueline Hansen):

Countdown to Bermuda: The Big Race

Amidst the exchanges of Happy Thanksgiving on Facebook yesterday, one of my friends said, "Best wishes as you and your family prepare for the big race!"

We are coming into the home stretch of training for the Bermuda Half Marathon III. Bermuda Marathon Weekend website tells me we are at 49 days and counting until race weekend. Tomorrow we will run 11.5 miles and the weather is looking spectacular for November 25th - one month away from my 64th birthday! Sunny and 56 degrees is a gift from the weather gods.

I already decided that since we have trained through freezing cold for 11 miles and have trained for 10 miles in pouring rain we know we can go the distance in whatever the weather will be on race day although I am manifesting perfect race day running conditions. I feel race ready mind, body and soul and now we are topping off the tank of training. But if we do have untoward weather conditions, we are going to get our miles on in the gym.

This IS a big race for me and for Team McManus. I wrote about why A Half is a Whole Big Deal for Me. It's a big race for Team McManus as we celebrate healing of mind, body and soul. The last time Ruth Anne and I were in Bermuda together, in December of 2006, she was pushing me in a wheelchair through the airports. Ruth Anne has had a miraculous recovery from severe depression and PTSD that gripped her 3 years ago. It's quite remarkable how we got back into sync after not having trained together for an endurance event since the 2009 Boston Marathon - which of course was a miracle too.



I've been working so hard to heal during these past 11 years and I am so blessed with the miracle of healing in my life from the effects of paralytic polio and trauma. During these past 3 years I have immersed myself in meditation, the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza and renewed my commitment to my healing path with passion and purpose after a serious knee injury in December of 2014. I read devoured "You Are the Placebo" and now I am reading "Becoming Supernatural: How Common People are Doing the Uncommon." I am having many breakthroughs in my healing journey. It still takes a lot out of me to get out there every week and do my long runs but I do love the challenge of going the distance and I am exhilarated that I can go the distance at least one more time in January.

Tomorrow it's 11.5 miles around the neighborhood and the Reservoirs. After that only 3 more long runs and the countdown to Bermuda Racecation is on ... excited for our Bermudaful vacation and of course, The Big Race!

To going the distance with strength and courage
From my heart to yours,
Mary

Be sure to visit my website by following this link.

My books are available on Amazon.

Feel the Heal: An Anthology of Poems to Heal Your Life


Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing Hope and Possibility that chronicles the first 7 years of my healing journey:


And my latest and greatest book - Going the Distance: The Power of Endurance (With a Foreword by Jacqueline Hansen):

Countdown to Bermuda: Reflections on a Solo Run

After Tom and Ruth Anne returned from their early morning run and told me how beautiful it was, I couldn't let myself cross train in the gym today. I usually do 5.5-6 miles at the gym using the Arc Trainer and the Bike and then on Wednesdays, we do a 5K run early morning. Tomorrow the weather calls for rain; today radiant sunshine and temperatures in the 50's. I decided to do 5 miles and then do an easy 30 minutes on the bike tomorrow.

Tom and I did our core work together, had breakfast and as he went off to work, I went off on a 5 mile solo run.

Being able to head out the front door and just go on a 5 mile run is a gift that I accept with deepest gratitude. For 11 years ago I was diagnosed with Post-Polio Syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease according to the white coats of Western Medicine. I was told to prepare to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair but I would not take the diagnosis sitting down.

During this morning's run I reflected on, and felt my heart fill with gratitude for the miracle of healing in my life. Three years ago next month, I suffered a very serious knee injury. The MRI showed shredded cartilage, bone spurs, a fatty lipoma, degenerative joint disease, degenerative changes from previous surgeries...the list goes on and on AND indicated that my gastroc muscle was atrophied aka wasted as a result of paralytic polio. I remember sitting in Dr. Darren Rosenberg's office in January of 2015. He was quite solemn with me saying that there wasn't anything that could be done and that I would probably require a total knee replacement in a few years. "We've known your gastroc muscle was wasted as a result of the paralytic polio. There's nothing you can do about that. It's not like you can grow a new one." He knew that I wouldn't stop running but warned me to not do any more distance running. He gave me a prescription for Physical Therapy that included a recommendation for Kinesiotaping.

As I ran around the calm waters of the Reservoir with the colors of Fall still in all of their splendor I reflected on how the physical therapist that I saw was the physical therapist from hell. When I shared what happened with her with Ryan J. Means, DC who I was blessed to find after things didn't work out with the physical therapist, he suggested that she was absent when they taught bedside manners.

As I felt my strength and courage in each footstep, thoughts came and went like the wispy clouds in the brilliant blue sky. I've been aware of how I move in my body and have new mantras about how I am able to move freely and with ease. As I became keenly aware of the effects of paralytic polio followed by 9 years of unrelenting violence at the hands of family members, I felt a shift happen within me. I'm usually extremely cautious and tentative around the uneven dirt areas that are rocky but I found myself running lightly across that patch of ground. Instead of feeling the grip of fear, I felt the Divine Protection that surrounded me then...and now...and felt a surge of strength rise up from the depths of my soul.

I've been reading Dr. Joe Dispenza's book, "Becoming Supernatural:How Common People Are Doing the Uncommon." Dr. Ryan introduced me to Dr. Joe's work in 2015 as I devoured, "You Are The Placebo" and embraced his work to move forward in my healing odyssey. Dr. Joe builds on the work he shared in "You Are The Placebo" with enhanced meditations and more in depth explanations of how we can cross the river of change with fear at our back. Before working with Dr. Ryan and practicing the work of Dr. Joe, I could not get traction on my healing journey.

I imagined myself as a superhero woman fighting back releasing the trauma and violence I absorbed in my body. I was no longer afraid. Oh and by the way I've grown a new gastroc muscle! Dr. Ryan suggested exercises to fire up my gastroc muscle using mirror neurons and Kinesiotaping to stimulate the growth of the muscle.

I felt deep gratitude for the gift of this day and the glorious weather despite it being November 21st. Yesterday it was freezing in Boston with a biting wind. Today was quite the contrast and set the stage for a transformational training run on the road to Bermuda Half Marathon III. I felt the burdens from yesterday melt away.

In the distance I saw a woman who I knew many years ago. She was once a vibrant woman who owned her own business. I hadn't seen her in awhile and then a few years ago, she told me she was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. I knew that I needed to pause my run and talk with her. She told me that "so far the Parkinson's Disease hadn't interfered with her ability to drive, to cook and to walk -- not yet anyway." "Why don't you leave off the 'not yet'" and I went on to tell her about the work of Dr. Joe and how it has helped me to transform my life.

She expressed her gratitude for my suggestion and we went on our separate ways. After meeting with her, I felt my pace pick up and a wonderful connection to the Divine within me and around me.

I found myself embracing the gift of the present moment as every foot strike carried me forward.



I could have run the entire Half Marathon today feeling so good in my body, mind and soul.

I felt the joy and fun of being outdoors on a 5 mile solo run and how these next 4 weeks of training are going to be fun. I am going to enjoy every moment savoring the soreness, celebrating the miracle of healing and feeling triumphant over the past events in my life. Yes Dr. Joe - it's true - the past does not have to predict the future. We can be the powerful creators of our lives.

These next four weeks are a time to, as I like to say, top off the tank of physical training to ensure a wonder and joy filled Bermuda Half Marathon III and to ramp up the mental training knowing that I can and will go the distance once more.

To going the distance with strength and courage
From my heart to yours,
Mary

Be sure to visit my website by following this link.

My books are available on Amazon.

Feel the Heal: An Anthology of Poems to Heal Your Life


Coming Home: A Memoir of Healing Hope and Possibility that chronicles the first 7 years of my healing journey:


And my latest and greatest book - Going the Distance: The Power of Endurance (With a Foreword by Jacqueline Hansen):