From You Are the Placebo, xvii, "Maybe I was just young and bold at that time in my life, but I decided against the medical model and the expert recommendations. I believe that there's an intelligence, an invisible consciousness, within each of us that's the giver of life. It supports, maintains, protects and heals us every moment. ... I reasoned at the time that if this intelligence was real and if it willfully, mindfully and lovingly demonstrated such amazing abilities, maybe I could take my attention off of my external world and begin to go within and connect with it-developing a relationship with it."
And so at the age of 23, an "accident" was the beginning of Dr. Joe Dispenza's path to do research and help others to heal and transform from the inside out.
I was familiar with our abilities to heal ourselves from the inside out and thinking and acting greater than the circumstances of our lives when I started writing poetry 8 1/2 years ago. Despite all outward conditions and never having run a day in my life, I went on to run the 2009 Boston Marathon shortly after coming out of a leg brace and being told I should prepare myself to be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.
It's been an incredible journey!
With any journey there were many triumphs and a lot of trials, tribulations and setbacks.
After reading You Are The Placebo, partnering with Dr. Ryan and dedicating myself heart and soul to this journey, I feel that I have traction in my healing that manifested in Wednesday evening's training run.
I visualized a 46:52 and watch Billy Mills' video over and over and over again.
I had to beat my time by two minutes from what I was running in training runs.
Last weekend we went to a wedding reception where runners and fast runners were in attendance. I found myself sharing my story with a couple that Tom had met while I was talking with the father of the groom. He told me I had to meet them. We were talking about my journey and the words my goal is to somehow run a 12:00 minute/mile pace fell out of my mouth. When I was training for Boston I ran an 11:00 minute/mile pace pushing myself during training runs. In the 2008 Tufts 10K I found myself "Running with God" and coming to the finish line four minutes under what I had visualized for the race that day with a sub 14:00 minute/mile pace.
Since the Finish at the 50 is an evening race, I knew that Tom and I would need to get in evening runs so I could plan fueling for the day and let go of my fear and perception that I am fatigued by the end of the day. The journey of transformation can be distilled to love becoming greater than fear; being an ambitious god and tapping into that delicious Divinity within thinking and acting greater than the circumstances in our lives.
I had an early morning dream about the trauma I experienced as a child and was able to create a very different outcome from the one I actually experienced in the dream. Instead of waking up feeling terror and being in a cold sweat, I felt strong. Every day in every way my body is changing biologically and neurologically from the one that was created out of those horrific circumstances.
Late afternoon, I experienced fatigue and nausea and decided to meditate for a half hour before meeting Tom to go on our run. I settled into a deep meditation and visualized 46:00 minutes as my goal for Finish at the 50 even though a time of 46:52 would be a PR over my Bill Rodgers 5K time last year. I surrendered to the magic and the mystery of the Universe allowing for complete healing of body and mind. There were moments of the old self wanting to assert her opinion into running and setting these goals for myself but I wouldn't let those thoughts take root. I offered her compassion, kindness, tenderness and love but told her she would no longer be in control. I tapped into Oneness, wholeness, images of Forrest Gump and Wilma Rudolph and embracing and embodying myself as a runner who runs swiftly.
I exerted a lot of effort in our run but I wasn't struggling. I was training my mind and body in this new state of being.
First mile we ran a 15'59" pace as we warmed up. I ran with God from the inside out feeling connected to something Divine within me. I threw it out to the Universe that I wanted to see 46:00 minutes when we finished our training run. I would not do a time check. Because I set my Nike+ for distance, I was able to find out when we were at 1 mile for a water stop. After the first water stop, I went back inside of myself and ran from the inside out. I ran hard but without struggle.
"Tom, it's time for another water stop. We're at mile 2." We were both amazed and knew we had done an amazing pace but didn't know how amazing until after it was all over. I ran mile 2 at a 12'40" minute/mile pace. Don't ask me how and that's what's so wonderful and amazing about this journey. It wasn't something I did on my own. I tapped into something beyond myself yet something that is right here inside of myself. I did have to pause and walk briefly between mile 2 and 3 to get my breath back and to find my running rhythm.
".1 mile to go," the Nike+ voice cued me and I took off in a sprint. "Hey where are you going?" Tom asked me. "We have .1 mile to go...we are coming to the finish line."
We visualized our friends Reno and Susan cheering for us and coming onto the field to run us in. I saw the finisher's clock at 46:00 minutes and I cried as though it were race day feeling how I will feel the moment I cross that finish line. Hugs and congratulations all around just like Ms. Nike+ said, "Congratulations. You completed your goal of 3.11 miles."
I was excited to see my time...had I hit 46:00 - um actually not -- It was 45:04 - a 14'30" average pace!
I can move forward from here feeling the joy in this journey and falling in love with the creative process.
I was nauseous and had a headache; nothing that more hydration and crackers wouldn't take care of and a good dinner after an ice bath to rejuvenate my legs.
I was born to run and I love to run and I love to challenge myself as a runner. Running is my medicine and my therapy. I could feel new neuromuscular connections happening during Wednesday night's training run on my left side. I could feel the past being erased from my mind and body so I can be someone new filled with joy, vitality and vibrancy, health and well being and wholeness.
I experienced a miraculous transformation in Wednesday night's training run and will continue to focus and set my sights on running swift, running hard yet running without struggle unencumbered by the circumstances of my past.
Miracles happen when we think and act greater than the circumstances in our lives.
Cheers! To Life! Love yourself well!
I chronicle the first 7 years of my healing journey after being diagnosed with post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease as a survivor of childhood paralytic polio and 9 years of childhood domestic violence in Coming Home:A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility.
In Journey Well, the journey continues in the wake of my nephew's suicide on 3/4/11 and the events of 4/15/13. Through my journey of healing and transformation, we learn that no matter what life circumstances happen to us, we can always find a way to journey well.
50% of book proceeds from all of my books, available on Amazon are donated to the Arredondo Family Foundation whose mission is to provide a helping hand to those experiencing a tragedy and to provide education on matters relating to military, veterans, military families, and the issue of suicide.
I am working on my new book, Feel the Heal: An Anthology of Poems which brings together my best poems of the last 8 years and will include my latest poems as I continue to feel the heal and move forward in my life.
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