In the wake of the 45th anniversary of my father's suicide on August 1st and the trauma of our daughter's struggle with mental health, the habits, beliefs and behaviors from the past reared up. I realized how while on the surface I am an incredibly courageous, strong, resilient, intelligent, creative and awesome beautiful woman, there was a part of me that was shattered and broken. In the spaces of the brokenness were feelings of shame, unworthiness, embarrassment, feeling ugly and feeling less than. Recently with our daughter's illness, as I relived the trauma of mental illness in my family growing up, I could feel the boil of emotions fester and through my morning meditation, the boil was lanced.
I am whole and there is no room for fear, shame, or insecurity. I no longer need to live a double life being afraid of what emotions might break through or fearing what might happen.
It no longer serves me to play small and cower.
When I woke up this morning I felt strong, centered and empowered. I smiled and I breathed. That knot in my stomach was released. My hands were steady on my keyboard and during meditation there were no head tremors. I release all burdens, sense of guilt and responsibility and I reclaim all the things that are wondrous, right and good about me that no one can ever put asunder again What a miracle to move from harboring those toxic feelings in the very fiber of my body and Being to feeling whole, free and unencumbered from the shackles of my past.
To your health and wellness!
Mary
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