"Every challenge is an opportunity for the Universe to show us how much we are loved, how there are vast possibilities beyond what we could ever imagine and dream about and is an opportunity for us to create, to discover the power of Divine Love and intelligence and to feel our hearts open, our bodies flower and our souls delight in the sheer magic and mystery of being alive."
The above came to me during my morning meditation. And then, because I am a wordsmith, I played around with the words reaction and creation. Guess what? If you reorganize the letters in reaction, you arrive in creation.
We are so hard wired to react to our inner and outer worlds. That's why I treasure my meditation time and my workouts and runs. They are a time to quiet my mind and allow for clarity. I am able to discern and distill my default reactions, reboot my thinking and hence my body to create a new body out of one that had been conditioned after trauma to one that is healthy, vibrant, free and embraces this beautiful journey of transformation and healing.
My thoughts are still laden with the default reaction of fear.
This morning I played a game. Every time I felt fear, noticed thoughts that were generating the fear, I repeated Love, Love, Love. The mind can't hold two opposing emotions at the same time. The fear melted away. I thought, "Wow how could I ever have believed that about myself. I have this wonderful Divine intelligence and deliciously decadent Divine love within me. All I have to do is focus and believe."
I felt my heart open and went forth to create a wonderful day for myself.
I had a fabulous two hour workout at the pool at WaveHealth.
I had the pool all to myself and was able to do laps, cross train and strength train. It was a magical time for me. My default thought when it comes to workouts and runs has been looking forward to a rest day or looking forward to when it would end. That is a throwback to when I was recovering from paralytic polio and experiencing the heaviness in my body that follows trauma. But today, instead of reaction to the clock or even to my training schedule, I focused my energies on creating my new gastroc muscle, and a super highway of a neuromuscular system that had been wiped out by polio. Rather than noticing any struggles or imbalances, I focused on the sun streaming through the skylight, the reflection of the waves on the walls and feeling the healing from polio. My left leg felt energized and enervated. I discovered exercises that helped to break up the scar tissue from 5 surgeries including reconstructive leg surgery and hardware removal. I felt the grace, the gratitude and the power.
I realized that every time I work out, I honor the Divine within me and this is a gift and a special sacred time I get to spend with myself in creative awareness building the new me that has already been created and now I am bringing it into full physical manifestation.
It is only by releasing fear and allowing Divine Love to flow through me that I can transform and evolve.
And another mantra I hold near and dear to my heart that fuels my healing journey of transformation is from Dr. Joe Dispenza:
Cheers! To Life! Love yourself well!
I chronicle the first 7 years of my healing journey after being diagnosed with post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease as a survivor of childhood paralytic polio and 9 years of childhood domestic violence in Coming Home:A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility.
In Journey Well, the journey continues in the wake of my nephew's suicide on 3/4/11 and the events of 4/15/13. Through my journey of healing and transformation, we learn that no matter what life circumstances happen to us, we can always find a way to journey well.
50% of book proceeds from all of my books, available on Amazon are donated to the Arredondo Family Foundation whose mission is to provide a helping hand to those experiencing a tragedy and to provide education on matters relating to military, veterans, military families, and the issue of suicide.
I am working on my new book, Feel the Heal: An Anthology of Poems which brings together my best poems of the last 8 years and will include my latest poems as I continue to feel the heal and move forward in my life.
The sun did not shine but it wasn't too wet to play
because it was time to run Boston's BAA 10K.
When it comes to running Boston won't be outdone
organizers, runners and spectators sure know how to have fun.
Tom Grilk, the announcer said yes it's soggy and wet
go out and have fun make it your best race yet.
Splash in the puddles just like when you were a child
pay no attention to the time be safe but feel wild.
No lightning cells on the horizon do we see
go out and run feeling happy and free.
We make our own weather so enjoy every mile
we'll see you crossing the finish line with a wonderful smile.
At 5:30 am the rain pelted the windows as our alarm clock went off. Tom and I pondered but only briefly about whether or not he was going to run the BAA 10K today. He is signed up for the Distance Medley so if the race was going on - so was he.
I usually volunteer at BAA races and was really glad that I hadn't volunteered at today's race. We thanked every volunteer we saw for their dedication to supporting the runners despite the weather. I was delighted to be at the start/finish line again to enjoy Tom Grilk's banter before and during the race.
He said there was no getting around the fact that it was a miserable weather day but nothing stops Boston from running. He suggested that runners go out and just enjoy the day feeling like a kid again splashing in the puddles. He did say that if there were any signs of lightning or thunder to get into a building and be safe; that there would be other races to run but there were no lightning cells on the weather map.
There was a sense of reckless abandon and pure joy among runners and spectators.
Being out in the rain and feeling a sense of unbridled joy among my community of runners is a special feeling for me. I contracted paralytic polio when I was 5 and never experienced that feeling of running through puddles as a child. I didn't start running until 2007.
When I was still in a leg brace 8 1/2 years ago, I had a dream about splashing in the puddles without my leg brace a la Gene Kelly in Singin' in the Rain. That dream prompted me to write a poem:
Come Out and Play
Arms flung open wide dancing in the rain
pure abiding joy to feel alive again
healing tears fall and blend in God’s puddle
no time to sit in a corner and huddle
all the old rules driven by fears
washed away now by God’s loving tears
the imprint dad left no longer remains
rain washes away all of the stains
baptized with love, Truth lights my way
the sun shines through on this rainy day
splashing and laughing my heart opens wide
embracing and flowing I’m one with the tide
God takes my hand release the old way
bathe in my glory come out and play!
So what's a little rain - okay a whole lot of rain with downpours - with soaking wet feet splashing through puddles whether running or spectating ... There was something magical, exhilarating and uplifting about the day thanks in large part to Tom Grilk's playful banter about Make Way for Ducklings and bringing out the child in everyone; making the best of the weather and not allowing the weather to dictate how we would experience the day. The focus shifted from the clock and the competition to embracing running in the rain and inviting runners and spectators to just come out and play.
The apres race atmosphere was one of celebration as runners milled around sharing stories of their run. We met up with several members of our Club, L Street. There was a mild drizzle and we put down the umbrellas. We were all kids again hanging out in the rain with not a care in the world enjoying being together, feeling so grateful that we can come out and play.
It's definitely something we should all do more often!
Here are some photos to capture the day including a meet and greet with today's BAA 10K winner, Daniel Saleel and Boston Marathon champs Geoffrey Mutai and Caroline Kilel at the Boston Marathon Adidas RunBase store:
Cheers! To Life! Love yourself well!
I chronicle the first 7 years of my healing journey after being diagnosed with post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease as a survivor of childhood paralytic polio and 9 years of childhood domestic violence in Coming Home:A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility.
In Journey Well, the journey continues in the wake of my nephew's suicide on 3/4/11 and the events of 4/15/13. Through my journey of healing and transformation, we learn that no matter what life circumstances happen to us, we can always find a way to journey well.
50% of book proceeds from all of my books, available on Amazon are donated to the Arredondo Family Foundation whose mission is to provide a helping hand to those experiencing a tragedy and to provide education on matters relating to military, veterans, military families, and the issue of suicide.
I am working on my new book, Feel the Heal: An Anthology of Poems which brings together my best poems of the last 8 years and will include my latest poems as I continue to feel the heal and move forward in my life.
So says the video promo for the Finish at the 50 5 and 10K happening on July 3rd.
It will be my first race since the Tufts 10K in October where I PR'ed from my time two years ago.
I could have chosen a daytime race and/or I could have chosen a flat course but The Finish at the 50 has a very special place in my heart. We ran the inaugural 10K on July 4th in 2010 and it was my 2nd race after being told I shouldn't run again after I completed the 2009 Boston Marathon.
The race director is Dave McGillvray who wrote in my copy of "The Last Pick," set goals not limits.
There is bling and there is a thrill to finishing on the 50 yard line of Gillette Stadium.
I've come a long way in the past 5 years and a long way since I returned to the roads this past March.
During my morning meditation, I could feel that old familiar sense of fear creep in. What if the water stops are gone or there's no one to direct us. What if we get lost ... what if ... what if ... blah blah blah.
I told myself that this is a walker friendly race and they are expecting people to participate whose pace is greater than a 16 minute mile.
And then I smiled ...
"oh wait a minute," I told myself ... you are a runner now and you run with the pack. Look at your pace.
The phrase, "I had polio. It sucked. Now I am healed." popped into my head. I felt the growth of my new gastroc muscle and new neuromuscular connections happening everywhere especially from my central nervous system to my respiratory system.
I went deep into my meditative state and allowed the healing to continue to manifest in physical reality knowing that in my thoughts I am already healed.
So now the question of the day - where to train for our next to the last training run before the race.
Tom and I decided to train on Heartbreak Hill.
We hadn't trained there in about a year and it was great to be back!
I focused on my race day pace - a 15 minute/mile Universe - that's what I see. I allowed my body to meet the Universe for that pace which may seem crazy asking for race day pace while training on hills but I need to keep mind, body and Spirit in tune and aligned for my race day goal.
It was challenging but I stayed connected to God within me and to the greater Universe beyond me.
Tom and I realized that we are already trained for Finish at the 50; today began our marathon training in earnest for the 2016 Newport Marathon.
We celebrated the delicious downhill toward the finish of our run which we did in 14:30 and our overall pace was 15:23; one minute of striking distance for that PR happening on 7/3. Pretty impressive considering we were on Heartbreak Hill and went for 4 miles!
Here we are hydrating after our run and with our traditional runfie:
One week from Friday, I WILL be celebrating my independence:
My freedom from fear and now being able to trust in my body and trusting in being able to run with the best and rest of the pack.
Running free unencumbered by the past.
Independence from polio knowing in every fiber of my being that I am healed.
Freedom from the ghostly invaders who wreaked havoc on my body knowing that all of those bruises and scars are healed and transformed.
Freedom from the thoughts of the person I was to experiencing and celebrating myself transformed: healthy, whole, vibrant, vital and inspiring others on their healing journey.
Let freedom ring!
I chronicle the first 7 years of my healing journey after being diagnosed with post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease as a survivor of childhood paralytic polio and 9 years of childhood domestic violence in Coming Home:A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility.
In Journey Well, the journey continues in the wake of my nephew's suicide on 3/4/11 and the events of 4/15/13. Through my journey of healing and transformation, we learn that no matter what life circumstances happen to us, we can always find a way to journey well.
Dr. Joe Dispenza was critically injured in an accident during the bike portion of a triathlon and fractured several vertebrae in his back. He was told that he needed surgery to have a metal rod put in his back and was given a guarded prognosis about being able to walk again even with surgery. Without surgery, paralysis was certain. He chose to heal without surgery.
From You Are the Placebo, xvii, "Maybe I was just young and bold at that time in my life, but I decided against the medical model and the expert recommendations. I believe that there's an intelligence, an invisible consciousness, within each of us that's the giver of life. It supports, maintains, protects and heals us every moment. ... I reasoned at the time that if this intelligence was real and if it willfully, mindfully and lovingly demonstrated such amazing abilities, maybe I could take my attention off of my external world and begin to go within and connect with it-developing a relationship with it."
And so at the age of 23, an "accident" was the beginning of Dr. Joe Dispenza's path to do research and help others to heal and transform from the inside out.
I was familiar with our abilities to heal ourselves from the inside out and thinking and acting greater than the circumstances of our lives when I started writing poetry 8 1/2 years ago. Despite all outward conditions and never having run a day in my life, I went on to run the 2009 Boston Marathon shortly after coming out of a leg brace and being told I should prepare myself to be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.
It's been an incredible journey!
With any journey there were many triumphs and a lot of trials, tribulations and setbacks.
After reading You Are The Placebo, partnering with Dr. Ryan and dedicating myself heart and soul to this journey, I feel that I have traction in my healing that manifested in Wednesday evening's training run.
I visualized a 46:52 and watch Billy Mills' video over and over and over again.
I had to beat my time by two minutes from what I was running in training runs.
Last weekend we went to a wedding reception where runners and fast runners were in attendance. I found myself sharing my story with a couple that Tom had met while I was talking with the father of the groom. He told me I had to meet them. We were talking about my journey and the words my goal is to somehow run a 12:00 minute/mile pace fell out of my mouth. When I was training for Boston I ran an 11:00 minute/mile pace pushing myself during training runs. In the 2008 Tufts 10K I found myself "Running with God" and coming to the finish line four minutes under what I had visualized for the race that day with a sub 14:00 minute/mile pace.
Since the Finish at the 50 is an evening race, I knew that Tom and I would need to get in evening runs so I could plan fueling for the day and let go of my fear and perception that I am fatigued by the end of the day. The journey of transformation can be distilled to love becoming greater than fear; being an ambitious god and tapping into that delicious Divinity within thinking and acting greater than the circumstances in our lives.
I had an early morning dream about the trauma I experienced as a child and was able to create a very different outcome from the one I actually experienced in the dream. Instead of waking up feeling terror and being in a cold sweat, I felt strong. Every day in every way my body is changing biologically and neurologically from the one that was created out of those horrific circumstances.
Late afternoon, I experienced fatigue and nausea and decided to meditate for a half hour before meeting Tom to go on our run. I settled into a deep meditation and visualized 46:00 minutes as my goal for Finish at the 50 even though a time of 46:52 would be a PR over my Bill Rodgers 5K time last year. I surrendered to the magic and the mystery of the Universe allowing for complete healing of body and mind. There were moments of the old self wanting to assert her opinion into running and setting these goals for myself but I wouldn't let those thoughts take root. I offered her compassion, kindness, tenderness and love but told her she would no longer be in control. I tapped into Oneness, wholeness, images of Forrest Gump and Wilma Rudolph and embracing and embodying myself as a runner who runs swiftly.
I exerted a lot of effort in our run but I wasn't struggling. I was training my mind and body in this new state of being.
First mile we ran a 15'59" pace as we warmed up. I ran with God from the inside out feeling connected to something Divine within me. I threw it out to the Universe that I wanted to see 46:00 minutes when we finished our training run. I would not do a time check. Because I set my Nike+ for distance, I was able to find out when we were at 1 mile for a water stop. After the first water stop, I went back inside of myself and ran from the inside out. I ran hard but without struggle.
"Tom, it's time for another water stop. We're at mile 2." We were both amazed and knew we had done an amazing pace but didn't know how amazing until after it was all over. I ran mile 2 at a 12'40" minute/mile pace. Don't ask me how and that's what's so wonderful and amazing about this journey. It wasn't something I did on my own. I tapped into something beyond myself yet something that is right here inside of myself. I did have to pause and walk briefly between mile 2 and 3 to get my breath back and to find my running rhythm.
".1 mile to go," the Nike+ voice cued me and I took off in a sprint. "Hey where are you going?" Tom asked me. "We have .1 mile to go...we are coming to the finish line."
We visualized our friends Reno and Susan cheering for us and coming onto the field to run us in. I saw the finisher's clock at 46:00 minutes and I cried as though it were race day feeling how I will feel the moment I cross that finish line. Hugs and congratulations all around just like Ms. Nike+ said, "Congratulations. You completed your goal of 3.11 miles."
I was excited to see my time...had I hit 46:00 - um actually not -- It was 45:04 - a 14'30" average pace!
I can move forward from here feeling the joy in this journey and falling in love with the creative process.
I was nauseous and had a headache; nothing that more hydration and crackers wouldn't take care of and a good dinner after an ice bath to rejuvenate my legs.
I was born to run and I love to run and I love to challenge myself as a runner. Running is my medicine and my therapy. I could feel new neuromuscular connections happening during Wednesday night's training run on my left side. I could feel the past being erased from my mind and body so I can be someone new filled with joy, vitality and vibrancy, health and well being and wholeness.
I experienced a miraculous transformation in Wednesday night's training run and will continue to focus and set my sights on running swift, running hard yet running without struggle unencumbered by the circumstances of my past.
Miracles happen when we think and act greater than the circumstances in our lives.
Cheers! To Life! Love yourself well!
I chronicle the first 7 years of my healing journey after being diagnosed with post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease as a survivor of childhood paralytic polio and 9 years of childhood domestic violence in Coming Home:A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility.
In Journey Well, the journey continues in the wake of my nephew's suicide on 3/4/11 and the events of 4/15/13. Through my journey of healing and transformation, we learn that no matter what life circumstances happen to us, we can always find a way to journey well.
50% of book proceeds from all of my books, available on Amazon are donated to the Arredondo Family Foundation whose mission is to provide a helping hand to those experiencing a tragedy and to provide education on matters relating to military, veterans, military families, and the issue of suicide.
I am working on my new book, Feel the Heal: An Anthology of Poems which brings together my best poems of the last 8 years and will include my latest poems as I continue to feel the heal and move forward in my life.
I'm putting together my latest poetry book, "Feel the Heal: An Anthology of Poems" which is a collection of some of my earlier works along with my latest poetic creations.
What is so striking to me is that a poem I wrote in 2007 is now manifesting in physical reality. I wrote about the tremors being healed and having a strong core; creating myself anew and playing my game my rules (to quote Dave McGillvray's favorite phrase that I only heard last year). At the time, I had not yet been discharged from Spaulding Rehab's outpatient care and was carrying a diagnosis of post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease. I was told that I would need to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. I was by all appearances weak, deconditioned, wearing a leg brace, experiencing chronic fatigue, tremors were very evident at the time and yet, yet I wrote this poem that talks about the body falling away healed as I prepared to leave my award winning career as a VA social worker:
A Date With Destiny
Don’t wait til you die to let your soul fly free
please listen and hear what happened to me.
My body was broken every imaginable place
yet to the world always a smile on my face.
My soul trapped inside feeling it was broken too
God brought me out of darkness my light I shine on you.
She showed me the way through people I met
it took awhile a message hard to get.
The kingdom of heaven is right inside me
take the leap of faith fulfill destiny.
While I did my soul work and let my soul fly free
my body transformed changes did I see.
My head now aligned the tremor no more
my body aligned such strength in my core.
When once head detached from my heart and my soul
they all work together amazingly whole.
The rules that I live by are my rules alone
I found strength and courage the past now has flown.
I followed my heart to create myself anew
to feel simply Divine despite all I've lived through.
Take the leap of faith into grace I can fall
but I’m floating on air answering God’s call.
Don’t wait til you die to let your soul fly free
there’s no reason to live a life in misery.
Follow your passions and I will tell you this
the body falls away healed when you follow your bliss.
Here is a visual of me Christmas 2007:
Running the 2009 Boston Marathon:
and after scoring a huge PR last year at the Bill Rodgers 5K:
As I sat in my half empty office in the winter/early Spring of 2007 at the VA, preparing to take a leap of faith and walk away from my career to heal my life, somewhere, somehow I knew deep inside of me that I had a date with destiny.
To life!
I chronicle the first 7 years of my healing journey after being diagnosed with post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease as a survivor of childhood paralytic polio and 9 years of childhood domestic violence in Coming Home:A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility.
In Journey Well, the journey continues in the wake of my nephew's suicide on 3/4/11 and the events of 4/15/13. Through my journey of healing and transformation, we learn that no matter what life circumstances happen to us, we can always find a way to journey well.
50% of book proceeds from all of my books, available on Amazon are donated to the Arredondo Family Foundation whose mission is to provide a helping hand to those experiencing a tragedy and to provide education on matters relating to military, veterans, military families, and the issue of suicide.
May you know the natural joy of being alive ~Tara Brach
As runners we like love to run and too often forget about the importance of cross training or begrudgingly cross train. I learned the hard way last December, how crucial it is to cross train. It's been almost 6 months and I am now reaping the physical, spiritual and mental rewards of cross training.
I must admit it was hard to get started. Each plank, crunch and sit up; every clam and leg lift seemed to be an effort.
I had to psych myself up to get into the pool and swim laps.
While in the pool at WaveHealth on Monday something shifted within me as I focused on the waves, the skylight and my beautiful surroundings.
I felt gratitude flood my heart. I asked the Universe, "How did I get here? How did I arrive in this moment cross training for running in this 5 star hotel where I only pay $10/visit ... where each week I am blessed to experience massage therapy transcending and transforming all that went before ... how did I get here ... from a leg brace and a wheelchair, a diagnosis of a progressive neuromuscular disease, Spaulding Rehab and Adaptive Sports feeling stuck in my body and that everything was an effort to now..."
I felt ripples of joy throughout every fiber of my Being and had a light bulb moment - There is no more struggle. There is no more effort. I can allow myself to feel challenged and work hard but I can do it without struggle and coming from a place of having experienced paralytic polio and violence. There is no more shadow boxing with my past. I am in fact here now and I have goals and a training plan but it's a plan that begins with the here and now.
I reminded myself of Saturday's ephiphany after our training run that I am no longer a victim of my body nor am I a survivor of my past. I am a creator of my body and my life co-creating with the Divine Intelligence that I consciously experienced when I was paralyzed at the age of 5.
And while I may have experienced a spasm in my left leg or the fragments of miniscus caught in my left knee, I reminded myself that this is all passing through and changing. I moved from effort and fear to joy, confidence and faith. I focused on what I needed to do during my cross training session to continue to create my runner Being. I lost track of time and connected to the mystery, awe and wonder of healing and possibility.
I recalled how I would have a habit of noticing some pain or quirk in my body and then try to trace it and figure out what to do to make it better; instead I just imagine myself with a clean slate allowing the magic of the Universe to support me as I transform into the beautiful Being I was always meant to be.
As I dried off, I smiled to myself realizing what a different experience my cross training session in the pool was on Monday because I experienced the joy rather than the drudgery of cross training. I experienced the natural joy of being alive!
Cheers! To life! Here's to loving ourselves well!
I chronicle the first 7 years of my healing journey after being diagnosed with post polio syndrome, a progressive neuromuscular disease as a survivor of childhood paralytic polio and 9 years of childhood domestic violence in Coming Home:A Memoir of Healing, Hope and Possibility.
In Journey Well, the journey continues in the wake of my nephew's suicide on 3/4/11 and the events of 4/15/13. Through my journey of healing and transformation, we learn that no matter what life circumstances happen to us, we can always find a way to journey well.
50% of book proceeds from all of my books, available on Amazon are donated to the Arredondo Family Foundation whose mission is to provide a helping hand to those experiencing a tragedy and to provide education on matters relating to military, veterans, military families, and the issue of suicide.
I am working on my new book, Feel the Heal: An Anthology of Poems which brings together my best poems of the last 8 years and will include my latest poems as I continue to feel the heal and move forward in my life.
